


Butterfly

by aj_linguistik



Series: SAO Pride Week 2020 [1]
Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga), ソードアート・オンライン - 川原礫 | Sword Art Online - Kawahara Reki
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Day 1, F/M, One Shot, SAO Prideweek 2020, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transitioning, small steps, top surgery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25387111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aj_linguistik/pseuds/aj_linguistik
Summary: Submission for Day 1 of SAO Prideweek 2020 - Small StepsEiji is nervous about having scheduled his upcoming top surgery. He's always wanted to transition, but now that he's taking this next step, he's all nerves. He talks it out with Yuuna, who has supported him since the very beginning.
Relationships: Nochizawa Eiji | Nautilus | Eiji/Shigemura Yuuna | Yuna
Series: SAO Pride Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838614
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7
Collections: SAO Pride Week 2020





	Butterfly

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This year, I wanted to make at least one fic for every aspect of my own identity. Somehow, the fic I am most excited to share with the world was written for day one.

The room was covered with music sheets. They rested on the floor, in the chairs, across the desk, and even lay in the bed. A window had opened up and blown them all over the place, scattering the well-documented original songs from one end of the room to the other, and now it was all out of order. Reaching down, he picked up one sheet, looked at the number in the corner of it, and then glanced over at Yuuna, who was leaning over a stack, flicking through the pages to make sure they were all in order. He held the page out to her frowning.

“Is this the one you’re looking for now?” he asked. “Page three of ‘Catch the Moment?’”

Yuuna looked up. A lock of hair fell from behind her ear. She reached over, took the sheet in her hands, and smiled.

“I’m sorry you have to help me with all of this, Eiji,” she said apologetically. “You ran over here all excited to tell me something, and now you’re just sitting here, helping me sort through all of these because I left the window open.”

He smiled at her.

“It’s no big deal,” he said.

She reached down and picked up another sheet, placing it behind the one he’d just handed her. It was true that he’d come over here to tell her something important. But as soon as he’d entered the room, a gust of wind blew into the room and scattered all of her songs across it, leading them to this mess. He’d been so frazzled by the scattered papers that he’d tucked away his news in order to help her sort out this disaster.

“What was it?” Yuuna said.

His head snapped up.

“What was what?” he asked.

She stacked a few more papers on the floor, placed the bigger pile on top, and then tapped them on the flat surface vertically a few times so that they’d fall into a nice little stack. She went back to searching through the sheets, putting them in a specific order on the floor to keep track of them as she went.

“What you wanted to tell me,” she said. “What was it?”

Frowning, he stared down at the sheets he’d just picked up. Suddenly, for some reason, it felt weird to say it out loud. Yuuna was waiting for him to share what might be the most exciting news of the year, and he was feeling weirdly nervous, like butterflies were fluttering around in his stomach. He clutched the sheets a little tighter than he’d meant to.

“Eiji! Be careful!”

“O-oh! Right!” he exclaimed.

He loosened his grip on the sheets in his hand and passed them over to her, figuring they were safer in her pile than being held by him. She laughed and took them, slipping them into their place with the flick of her hand.

“Yuuna,” he said.

She looked up at him away from the music sheets.

“My mom approved of me getting top surgery,” he said, a smile tugging at his lips. “We went in and got a date set.”

She almost dropped all of the sheets in her hands. He reached over and caught them, holding them together so she didn’t have to pick them all up again and sort them. Yuuna laughed, perhaps a little embarrassed, then sat them down and threw her arms around his neck. She hugged him tightly, humming.

“I’m so happy for you!” she said.

Smiling, he returned the hug. Saying it out loud made his heart race in his chest. This was really happening. He was going to be getting top surgery. An overwhelming sense of confusion suddenly hit him. This was an irreversible thing. Once he did it, there was no going back. Sure, if he wanted to change his mind, he could take estrogen, he supposed, but that just wasn’t going to magically return him to the way he was before the surgery. He clutched Yuuna a little tighter.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

He couldn’t bring himself to nod while she was so happy for him. Admitting he was scared of the change felt like verbalizing that he didn’t believe he was trans. He _was_ trans. And he wasn’t quite sure why this sudden fear had occurred to him, now that he was seriously thinking about what he was going to do.

Letting go of Yuuna, he sat back and clutched the fabric of his shirt over his chest. Beneath that shirt was his chest binder, something he’d gotten accustomed to over the few years he’d been wearing it. No, accustomed to wasn’t even the right word anymore. It was comfortable. It felt safe and familiar. It wasn’t this uncharted territory of suddenly undergoing a surgery to change how he looked. He was in control here.

“I just…” he said. “I wonder if it’s the right thing to do.”

Yuuna sat across from him and placed her hands on her knees. She stared down at her lap, smiling. It was as if she was laughing at something. He didn’t see what was so funny about this.

“Remember the first time I got up to sing alone in front of people?”

Eiji looked up at her and frowned.

“You know that singing and songwriting is all I’ve ever wanted to do,” she said. “And everything I’ve done has been to get here today, where I’m writing these songs and submitting them to my agent for approval, and then going out and performing them on a stage with thousands of people looking up at me.”

He nodded. What did this have to do with what he’d said, though?

“But that first time…that first time when we were in middle school,” she said. “When I got up there on the stage, I thought to myself ‘What if this is the right thing to do?’ just like you’re thinking now. I felt scared. So many people were looking up at me, and the room felt smaller. I wondered if I was making a mistake about singing in front of people.”

Eiji couldn’t help but laugh now, too. He understood why she’d had that amused look on her face before. Seeing her confidently sing now and interact with her adoring fans, it was hard to think that there’d ever been a point at which she’d stepped onto a stage and felt like turning back because it was out of her comfort zone.

“I’m glad you didn’t back down,” he said, reaching over to grasp her hand. “You’re an amazing singer.”

She squeezed his fingers.

“I think you shouldn’t back down either, Eiji,” she said.

His eyes widened. Her eyes smiled in a way that cut deep into his heart, causing it to skip a beat. She reached out and cupped his face in her palm.

“You’ve worked really hard for this,” she said. “You’ve worked little by little to get here, from coming out to me, then coming out to your mom and stepdad. Buying a binder, updating your wardrobe, cutting your hair like this. It’s just another step in the process. It’s okay to feel butterflies, Eiji. That’s all a part of the metamorphosis.”

He blinked at her.

“Meta…morphosis…” he repeated.

Yuuna awkwardly laughed and sat back.

“Maybe that’s too dramatic of a word for you, but I think of it a lot when I think about you,” she admitted. “Watching you transform into the person you want to be is a lot like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.”

He huffed.

“You make it sound like I was an ugly caterpillar beforehand,” he said, teasing her just a bit with a poke to the cheek.

“Sheesh, Eiji, I’m trying to boost your confidence here, not call you ugly!” she lamented.

He scooted closer to her and bumped his shoulder against hers, trying to let her know he was just messing with her. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. In turn, he leaned his head against hers. He placed his hand on top of hers between them on the floor, silently grateful for her unwavering support.

“Metamorphosis, huh?” he said.

She nodded against his shoulder.

“You can’t see that the progress isn’t scary on the other side right now because you’re just getting ready to get into the chrysalis,” she said. “Once you take that step and start to build it, there’s no going back, right?”

He drew in a deep breath.

“Right,” he said.

She rubbed her thumb against the side of his hand.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong step,” she said. “Until you break out of the chrysalis, you won’t see the beautiful—well, handsome—result on the other side.”

Yuuna reached over with her free hand and traced a finger on his chest. He stared down at her finger as it circled around.

“I know that the boy who’s spent a long time feeling nothing but bad feelings when seeing his chest in the mirror will open his eyes on the other side and show me a smile that I’ve never seen him make before,” she whispered. “One that tells me he’s finally happy with the way he sees himself. One that tells me he’s glad he took this step.”

He kissed the top of her head. What had he done to deserve to be by Yuuna’s side like this? He couldn’t have asked for someone more supportive and loving.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

He felt a bit braver than before about this. But with their little moment having passed, they both remembered that they needed to pick up the remaining papers on the floor. They hopped up and hurriedly began to sort them again, all the while smiling to themselves. As he scooped up the last bit of papers, Eiji noticed one that was partially written out with no title on it.

“Are you working on a new song?” he asked.

Yuuna’s face flushed red.

“Y-yes,” she stammered. “It doesn’t look like much now. I’m trying to find the right inspiration. But it’ll be ready by the next big concert!”

He chuckled and handed her the sheets.

“I can’t wait,” he said. “Ah, it’ll be after my surgery. I think I should be cleared to at least be there. Don’t worry.”

She nodded at him, smiling wide.

“If not, I’ll make sure you get a special seat and chair in the wings where no one will bother you!” she teased, returning his poke to the cheek from earlier.

“I’ll hold you to that,” he said, smirking.

He would have stayed for dinner with the Shigemura family, but his mom had already decided that they’d go and celebrate his surgery scheduling by going out. Of course, she’d told him to go ahead and invite Yuuna. He felt bad pulling her away from her parents, but she was too eager to go and celebrate with him. Even his stepdad showed up to celebrate the occasion. After a dinner filled with congratulatory comments and good food, they returned to their homes.

That night, Eiji repeated the word Yuuna had said a few times over and over, telling himself that his nerves were normal, but unnecessary. He was taking this step for himself. He had to keep that in mind. And he repeated that mantra over and over again in the days leading up to that special date.

“Metamorphosis…I’ll be happy with the results afterwards.”

The nerves in his stomach didn’t exactly go away, though. They remained there, fluttering around, even as he sat in the hospital, being prepped for the fated event. He was somewhere between excited and worried. He drew in a breath, still trying to focus on Yuuna’s words. He would take this step in the journey, and he would love the destination.

“Are you ready, Mister Nochizawa?” the friendly nurse beside him asked.

Swallowing, he nodded.

“I’m going to count you down for the anesthesia, okay?” she said.

He nodded again. He could barely hear her counting when the lights went out.

He’d taken this step; he’d put himself inside of the chrysalis.

After the surgery, he felt numb. He suspected that was something to do with the medication. The nurse and doctor hung around, telling him about how the next few days would go. He had to stay there while they checked on his healing. It all went by in a blur. Throughout it, he couldn’t help but feel that these bandages wrapped around his chest were still pieces of the chrysalis that hadn’t come off just yet. He wasn’t truly on the other side yet.

Eiji was lectured and instructed on how to handle himself when he got home. He wasn’t allowed to lift anything; he wasn’t allowed to remove the bandages permanently until the healing was done. So on and so forth. He felt like the information was hammered into his head over and over and over again. It was for his own safety—he knew that.

Whether or not he went to Yuuna’s next concert all hinged on his behavior. He did everything he could to follow the doctor’s instructions. But that meant a lot of rest, and rest caused those worries and doubts to creep back in. By the time Yuuna was permitted to stop by to visit him, he was feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. She sat at his bedside and grasped his hand. Her palms were warm.

“Is the pain bothering you?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“It’s just those thoughts are back,” he said. “Asking me if I’ve made a mistake.”

She leaned forward and planted a kiss on his cheek. He turned to her, his heart longing for her comfort while his head was filled with turmoil. Laughing, she gently pushed his shoulders down, keeping him on his back against the bed where he should be.

“Don’t move around too much,” she said. “You don’t want to hurt yourself.”

Smiling warmly at him, she cupped his cheeks with her hands. The unease seemed to die down.

“Remember what I told you?” she asked.

He gave a slight nod.

“It’s okay to wonder that,” she said. “But when you’re all healed up, I know you’re going to be so happy and this worry will melt away. Don’t force yourself out of the thoughts too quickly. Like I said, it’s a metamorphosis. It happens slowly; little by little.”

She sealed her words with a kiss on the lips. He thought his chest might burst. He clung to her words and did exactly as she said. He took everything one day at a time. A couple of days before the concert, he was finally cleared to remove the bandages for good. His nerves ate at him. Would she be right? Would he be happy?

Yuuna had offered to come and be with him. She told him she wanted to help him out of his chrysalis, but he’d just laughed dryly and told her that he needed to do this himself. So, she sat on the bed, waiting as he slowly slipped off the bandages and gathered them up into his hands. She slipped off the bed and came over beside him, her face appearing in the mirror beside his. Her hands came to rest on his arms.

“Well?” she said. “How do you feel?”

He thought about her metaphor and laughed, turning to smile at her.

“A bit like a butterfly,” he said.

She threw her arms around his neck and hopped up on her tiptoes to share a deep kiss with him. The feeling of her body pressed flatly against his front filled him with an inexplicable emotion. This was what it felt like to finally have a flat chest. When she pulled away, she smiled at him, once again bringing her hands up to cup his face.

“There’s that smile I’ve been waiting so long to see,” she said.

She hummed and patted his shoulder.

“You’re still coming to the concert, right?” she asked.

Eiji nodded.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said.

Since he was medically cleared, Yuuna definitely couldn’t get him a special seat in the wings all to himself, but that was okay with him. So long as he got to see her singing her heart out, he was content. If this concert went well for her, they would both be seeing this week as an extremely special week together. He stood up in one of the balconies, leaning against a railing. He could hear a group behind him, making excited chatter.

“Ahhh, finally getting to see Yuna in concert is like a dream!”

“I’ve been practicing all of her songs! Have you, Lis?”

“You bet!”

Eiji smiled to himself. It seemed like they were both undergoing a process of metamorphosis. Her from a small-town singer to an idol down there on the stage, and him from an uncomfortable young boy into a young man who was still learning to love himself. Their journies might be at different points, but they were both taking the little steps they needed to in order to achieve their goals.

He kept his eyes on her as the concert started and she sang. He knew all of the words by heart, even if he was a little embarrassed to sing in public. He hummed along to the lyrics, following them verbatim in his head. Suddenly, though, the music slowed down, filling his ears with a new tune he didn’t recognize. His heart skipped a beat.

_That’s right! Her new song!_

“I’m going to debut a new song tonight,” Yuuna said.

The crowd cheered.

“You see, someone very special to me is in this crowd right now, watching this very concert.”

Eiji straightened up. What was she doing?

“He’s someone that’s supported me for as long as I can remember, and I love him very much.”

The crowd let out a long “awe.”

“I was a bit stumped for inspiration writing this, but he’s been through something difficult for him lately, and this is what came to me. This song is dedicated to him, the love of my life, who has always been there for me. I hope you know I’m always going to be there for you, too.”

Eiji felt his heart start fluttering as she stopped talking to begin to sing.

_What am I so worried for lately?_

_I’ve wanted this since forever so maybe_

_I’ve been wanting wrong_

_I’ve taken steps and right now I’m shaking,_

_The destination feels wrong and I’m thinking_

_Maybe I’m thinking wrong_

_But it’s all a part of the change_

_You can’t gain your wings by going back_

_You can’t reach that place by the wrong path_

_It’s just a part of the metamorphosis_

_When you find that thing that truly is_

_The reason you don’t want to go through with this_

_Is just a part of the metamorphosis_

_What’s all this worry inside my chest?_

_I feel a sigh building up and I just need rest_

_I’ve been burning out_

_I can’t go back now to where it’s calm_

_The words in my soul tell me I’m so wrong_

_And I, I think they’re right_

_But the smile at the end_

_Will be worth it my friend_

_So just take it one small step at a time_

_Because it’s just a part of the metamorphosis_

_And I’ve found that one thing that truly is_

_A reason to move past worry and conquer this_

_Another step in my metamorphosis_

As the music softened, Yuuna stepped up once again to the mic, this time delivering a personal message.

“Eiji, I love you,” she said. “And I am so, very, very proud of you for taking this next step in your journey. I cannot wait to be there by your side when you choose to take another step towards your dream.”

The crowd erupted in cheers, thanking her for her new work and cheering her on as she smoothly segued into her final song of the evening. Eiji felt like he barely heard it. Her new lyrics reverberated in his head.

A song. For him.

He clutched the fabric of his shirt over his heart. How did she always manage to make him feel so warm? As he greeted her after the show with a bouquet of white and pink flowers, he couldn’t help himself. Despite being in public, still, he pulled her in for a passionate kiss. She was still in her makeup and wig, but he didn’t care. He wanted her to know he appreciated her song and message from the bottom of his heart.

“I love you,” he said.

She rested one hand on his chest.

“I really am proud, Eiji,” she said. “It might be one small step in your transition process, but it’s a big step for you right now.”

He nodded.

“Until the next step?” he said, offering her his hand.

She smiled and grasped it.

“And all of the ones after that,” she said.

They walked off to the changing rooms, hand in hand.

“Until your metamorphosis is complete.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I got some mad Eiji/Yuuna feels after another Ordinal Scale rewatch. And I wanted to see a character I saw as very masculine being trans. But this year, I have a partner this pride week. And he's cisgender and so unconditionally supportive. I wanted to reflect that love and support I feel from him in words. When I hear music- any music- I think of him. Thus my inspiration for this one-shot was drawn from him. He makes all of the nervous butterflies in my stomach go away when I think about who I am. <3


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